I’ve had a couple of offline comments on the rhythm in the final lines of Artistry In The Malverns—some of you like the dissonance in the original final lines and say it makes the poem more interesting, less plodding, as it stops you and makes you think about what’s being said, and some of you don’t see how it fits and would like consistency. Now, whilst this is largely down to your reading of the poem / your expectations of poetry / your personal preferences, it would be most interesting if you’d vote for the one you like best from the two versions below.
Just reply with A or B and a comment if you wish to make one 🙂
Here is the original of Artistry In The Malverns, let’s call it A:
A
Scented hot hay
hints of damp decay,
dank smouldering fires
smokey blue Shires.
Dogs’ yaps ricochet
on archaic byways.
Buzzards ride, sway,
swoop on small prey.
Fanthorpe and Auden
write of Malvern
Hills echo poets
with Elgar’s discern-
ing ear.
B
Scented hot hay
hints of damp decay,
dank smouldering fires
smokey blue Shires.
Dogs’ yaps ricochet
on archaic byways.
Buzzards ride, sway,
swoop on small prey.
Fanthorpe and Auden
write of Malvern Hills
that echo poets with
Elgar’s discerning ear.
Polly Stretton © 2012
30/10/2012 at 10:33
B for me Polly, it’s a more rounded ending – but then I’m not very adventurous! xx
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30/10/2012 at 10:47
Thanks Ann—I won’t comment just yet—intrigued to see if anyone else comments 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 10:47
I would have to say A. The last line doesn’t flow well in B
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30/10/2012 at 10:48
Thank you, Joe—one vote for each so far (!) 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 11:02
I like both, but I think I like the feel of A better.
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30/10/2012 at 11:02
Thanks David—watch this space! 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 11:46
A for me. For whatever that’s worth. I write about poo, remember? 😉
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30/10/2012 at 11:59
heh-heh…thanks Carrie 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 14:17
my fav is the first one as the line breaks come more unexpected…and i have kinda weakness for unexpected line breaks…smiles
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30/10/2012 at 14:57
Hmmmm…I’d kinda spotted that Ms Schonfeld 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 16:13
A. No, B. No, A. Final answer? B.
Good luck with the voting!~
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30/10/2012 at 16:14
Aw…stop mucking about, Robin, you devil 🙂 Isn’t it all interesting…
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30/10/2012 at 17:19
I like A. Well, I enjoy both, but A has some twistiness to the lines I fully enjoy.
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30/10/2012 at 23:24
Thanks Susan—what an interesting exercise this is turning into 🙂
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30/10/2012 at 23:27
🙂
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31/10/2012 at 13:37
I have to go with “A”… lovely piece!
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31/10/2012 at 13:37
like both but for some reason… A reads better. A for me. 🙂
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31/10/2012 at 13:52
Thanks Bren 🙂
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31/10/2012 at 16:18
B
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31/10/2012 at 17:33
Thanks Ina 🙂
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01/11/2012 at 11:04
A – I like A the best 🙂
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01/11/2012 at 11:04
Thanks Alex—hope you’re feeling better today x
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01/11/2012 at 11:18
Ugh – I’ve cancelled work, but at least I can catch up on reading 🙂
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01/11/2012 at 11:22
Make the best of it…I can see you’re catching up! 🙂
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01/11/2012 at 11:27
Oh – best intentions gone west!! I’ve just bought a couple of books on kindle 😉 – the sofa and my duvet are calling me to curl up with my Kindle and read!!! 🙂
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01/11/2012 at 11:30
Ah, snuggle down and enjoy your read—you’ll get better faster x
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02/11/2012 at 15:29
I would go with A. B is good also, but feels too “neat” and rounded off for my taste, whereas A challenges – you have to make sure you read it carefully, so it hold the attention. I like that “edge” it has.
But what I would say in the end, while this is indeed a fascinating exercise, as it is YOUR poem, you must go with your own gut instinct as to the final draft.
Though I’m loving reading the views of others… 🙂
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02/11/2012 at 15:39
Thanks Holly—your views most appreciated 🙂
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04/11/2012 at 15:05
I liked A and then I read B and I liked B. 😉 I think I still prefer A. (Maybe B appeals to my need for order thanks to my obsessive compulsiveness). But, yes, I think I’ll go with A. This poem reminds me of summers spent on my grandparent’s farm in Oklahoma. It really pulled up the senses. Good job, Polly 😀
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04/11/2012 at 23:00
Thanks Ann, it is interesting to see how readers make their decisions—thank you for taking the time to explain 🙂
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