Writings and Witterings

What Eustace Did Next


Written to a prompt by my writers’ circle. We were asked to write about the world’s worst hitman ~ and I thought the dVerse poets might quite like it too ~ on the assumption that it’s clear Eustace’s wife is neither impressed by, nor does she take any notice of being ‘not allowed’ to go in the drawer 🙂

He’s a Belgian buffoon in America,
Eustace is his name,
He has flashes and floaters in his eyes,
So shooting is a game.

He’s a hitman, with shot eyesight,
A bit like Mr Magoo,
He finds bottle-top lenses help him
To shoot the 1892[i].

Eustace has found notoriety,
And caused his wife much anxiety,
As the most inept hitman
In the world.

The Winchester’s on a tripod.
He’s not one for a sling.
He checks the crosshairs: on target,
Aimed at the hit, name of Minn.

‘Click’ goes the rifle,
‘Click – Click, Click.’
A problem with bullets?
Eustace feels sick
When he sees what he’s loaded
Not bullets, but e-cigs!

The ammo’s been left at home.
For a hitman, this is quite a snag,
Poor old useless Eustace,
He really needs a fag.

He takes the e-cig from the chamber,
A nicotine hit, just right.
What to do when you’ve got no bullets?
Get some more! For this is some plight.

Here’s what Eustace did next.
To his wife, he sent a text.
Imagine her shock
When asked for a stock
Of ammo from the drawer,
Where he stores:
Post-its, condoms, headphones,
His e-cigs and plenty more.

Where she’s
Not allowed
To snoop.

She gets a box from the drawer,
And wonders where the e-cigs are.
She drives to him in the car.
And hands him the box.

He peers myopic, shouts ‘OH NO’
It’s catastrophic!
His face aglow.
She’s brought

‘You can’t shoot varmints with e-cigs!’
His wife confirms with glee.

‘You’ve brought the wrong f-ing stuff,’
Eustace says menacingly.

‘You can’t shoot varmints with e-cigs!’
His wife repeats once more.

‘Nor anything with a condom!’
He throws them to the floor.
‘My reputation’s up in smoke,
‘We must go home my dear.
‘My working days are over …
‘Let’s go and have a beer.’
Polly Robinson © 2013


[i] Winchester 1892 – a small framed lever action shotgun made in Newhaven Connecticut. Holds only six rounds.

Polly Robinson © 2013


28 thoughts on “What Eustace Did Next

  1. What a fun read. Poor Eustace. Looks like it’s time for him to find another profession. Perhaps as a spokesperson for erectile dysfunction medication? His efforts did go rather limp, after all…


  2. Fun fact there polly. All may not have been hopeless. You take enough of those e-cigarettes and remover the nicotine you might just have a lethal dose on your hands. I think about these things so you don’t have too.


    • Oooh, I like that 🙂 Though I’m guessing that there can’t be much nicotine in them thar e-cigs ~ good to have you around Joe, to look after these things for me 😀


  3. I can’t stop laughing! Well done Polly!


  4. That’s some funny stuff, Polly! Love it! 🙂


  5. The world’s worst … that’s a great prompt and a great response too. Had me smiling all the way 🙂


  6. hahahaha what a rip of a tail….you got to wonder how he made it this far you know….that was funny…appreciate it today…smiles.


  7. This was so hilarious…Thanks for the smiles ~


  8. Well, this was the laugh I needed today!


  9. Too funny, Polly. I sure did need a good bellylaugh, and leave it to you, hon!! Cheers, Amy


  10. haha…so good..thanks for the smile…badly needed today..smiles


  11. Haha behind every unsuccessful there’s a very patient woman – usually rolling her eyes!


  12. hilarious Polly…looks like it will always be beer o clock for poor old Eustace…very entertaining.


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