Polly

Writings and Witterings

Your Morning Challenge: Vote On The Final Lines Of Artistry In The Malverns

30 Comments

I’ve had a couple of offline comments on the rhythm in the final lines of Artistry In The Malverns—some of you like the dissonance in the original final lines and say it makes the poem more interesting, less plodding, as it stops you and makes you think about what’s being said, and some of you don’t see how it fits and would like consistency.  Now, whilst this is largely down to your reading of the poem / your expectations of poetry / your personal preferences, it would be most interesting if you’d vote for the one you like best from the two versions below.

Just reply with A or B and a comment if you wish to make one 🙂

Here is the original of Artistry In The Malverns, let’s call it A:

A

Scented hot hay
hints of damp decay,
dank smouldering fires
smokey blue Shires.
Dogs’ yaps ricochet
on archaic byways.
Buzzards ride, sway,
swoop on small prey.
Fanthorpe and Auden
write of Malvern
Hills echo poets
with Elgar’s discern-
ing ear.

B

Scented hot hay
hints of damp decay,
dank smouldering fires
smokey blue Shires.
Dogs’ yaps ricochet
on archaic byways.
Buzzards ride, sway,
swoop on small prey.
Fanthorpe and Auden
write of Malvern Hills
that echo poets with
Elgar’s discerning ear.

Polly Stretton © 2012

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30 thoughts on “Your Morning Challenge: Vote On The Final Lines Of Artistry In The Malverns

  1. B for me Polly, it’s a more rounded ending – but then I’m not very adventurous! xx

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  2. I would have to say A. The last line doesn’t flow well in B

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  3. I like both, but I think I like the feel of A better.

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  4. A for me. For whatever that’s worth. I write about poo, remember? 😉

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  5. my fav is the first one as the line breaks come more unexpected…and i have kinda weakness for unexpected line breaks…smiles

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  6. A. No, B. No, A. Final answer? B.

    Good luck with the voting!~

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  7. I like A. Well, I enjoy both, but A has some twistiness to the lines I fully enjoy.

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  8. I have to go with “A”… lovely piece!

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  9. like both but for some reason… A reads better. A for me. 🙂

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  10. A – I like A the best 🙂

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  11. I would go with A. B is good also, but feels too “neat” and rounded off for my taste, whereas A challenges – you have to make sure you read it carefully, so it hold the attention. I like that “edge” it has.
    But what I would say in the end, while this is indeed a fascinating exercise, as it is YOUR poem, you must go with your own gut instinct as to the final draft.
    Though I’m loving reading the views of others… 🙂

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  12. I liked A and then I read B and I liked B. 😉 I think I still prefer A. (Maybe B appeals to my need for order thanks to my obsessive compulsiveness). But, yes, I think I’ll go with A. This poem reminds me of summers spent on my grandparent’s farm in Oklahoma. It really pulled up the senses. Good job, Polly 😀

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